I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
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