Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Randomize
