I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Randomize
