We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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