If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize