I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
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