my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
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