just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
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