Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Randomize
