i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
I'm really busy with my period
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