I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Randomize
