My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
Randomize
