i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Randomize
