would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
oh god was she eating orange peels again
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Randomize
