so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
