Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
