She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
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