your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
