guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
Randomize
