When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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