I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
Randomize
