I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
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