I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
Randomize
