Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
Randomize
