I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize
