so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
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