Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
be right there i have to get my cape
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Randomize
