the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
you mean i was at the winter classic?
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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