So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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