EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
