Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
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