how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Randomize
