I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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