One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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