she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
Randomize
