god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Randomize
