i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
Randomize
