Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
