dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
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