So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
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