i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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