how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
Randomize
