so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
