So someone put the baby mannequins in sex positions
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Randomize
