You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Randomize
