im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
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