I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
