The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
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