i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Randomize
