Please, let me fuck your mom
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
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