Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
Randomize
