my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Randomize
