Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Randomize