i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
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