I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
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