I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize