I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Randomize
