wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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