It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
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