I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Randomize
