Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Randomize
