so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
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